Casual Accountability…you don’t have to MEAN it do you? VOL 103
I don’t know about you… But I really don’t like to be held accountable. I always want an out…a way to deflect or defer. I don’t want the blame to rest with me. I want the buck to stop someplace else. I want to be able to say something and mean something else and be let off the hook. I want to feign real change and be ok to back off commitments. I want to be able to say one thing and do another with no real consequence.
I want casual accountability.
Real accountability is too hard. It’s too risky. It makes me too vulnerable. It takes too much time.
I’ve been thinking about this a bit lately. (If you hadn’t noticed) I’ve been trying to be honest about my leadership commitment to our community group. I’ve been evaluating whether or not I’m relevant other than by being a name on a roster…. Or the one responsible to upload the attendance figures. I mean it’s not like I can’t fill a couple hours on a Wednesday night right? So what’s the point? Is there any value here? I know that is a selfish way to look at it… But I’m at a point where I’m tired and stressed and a little fearful of the future as it relates to life outcomes based on my effort. In other words ” I suck at holding myself accountable to much of anything.” Now that’s not absolutely true… But true enough to scare me some…OK…a lot.
Truth? I want to talk about being accountable… But I don’t really want to be accountable or I would be. It’s a choice I have to make in a “real life” sort of way…not just a mental assent to the truth of it. That is a big rub right there. At least for me.
It’s really a character issue… And as I’ve observed me over these last 61 years…it is most definitely a chink in my armor. That has to change.
If I lived in the magical world of “Doug” where the only person I affected with my character flaws was me.. That would be bad enough. But throw in a wife, kids, a job, friends and the like…and character issues can create fractures and fissures and other words that start with “f.” I often act like I have intentionally taken a hit out on my own character.
As a believer, you’d think it would be more than enough accountability to know that God’s expectation of me (us) is holiness. And I really want to obey God here…but can I please accomplish it without having to do anything about it? God can you stop convicting me about my thought life, my spending habits and the way I talk to my wife? Do I get any points for just “wanting” to be holy even if I never really change?
I know the answer… So do you. It is about being willing to do whatever it takes to be more like Jesus. And then actually doing it. And while God is our ultimate accountability partner…it often helps to share our burdens and shortcomings with people who know us and are willing to speak into our lives to help us…as we give them permission…(read that: if we LET them) Then, honor their commitment to us by working diligently on our lives. It’s not a one and done thing. It’s a daily sacrifice. There’s no pill for this…trust me… I’d have the Rx
So where does that leave me early on my 61st birthday morning? Well…I’m working on prying that knowledge out of my head and working up the courage to both want to change…(cause this ain’t really working for me.)..and actually changing.
Even though I know that being accountable to God and to holiness is right…and obedient, I’ve compromised for so long that this change towards accountability to God and to myself will be a long process forward.